Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Seth the Exterminator

So have yall seen Billy the Exterminator? It's a real-life series on A&E. Billy and his family operate Vexcon, one of Lousiana's (you know they'd be from Louisiana!) busiest pest removal companies. They are either ingenious or just down right stupid in their techniques for pest removal. And, by the way, "pests" range anywhere from alligators and snakes to foxes and coons. Now I don't regularly watch this show. As far as I'm concerned, it ranks right up there with the rest of the "man shows" . . . you know, Ax Men, Swamp People, Swamp Loggers and the like. But my husband is a sucker for such entertainment.

Let me tell you . . . I don't need Billy. I have Seth!

The weeks before Thanksgiving were rather warm. One such day I noticed a lot of ladybugs had gathered on the back porch. I didn't think much about it, only that I'd never seen that many ladybugs before. Because it was another warm day, Mason and Hannah Kate spent the afternoon outside. They were also going in and out, in and out. I did notice a ladybug or two in the house, but I thought nothing of it. Until Seth got home . . .

The first thing he tells me is to not open the doors. I just chuckled because I already knew how much "opening of the doors" had already been done. Later that night, I began to notice more ladybugs inside the house. Lots of them. Lots and lots of them. It seemed like most of them were congregating in the family room . . . and the only way you'd really notice them was if you bothered to look 20-feet up high in the air at the ceiling. I don't know about you, but I don't make it a habit to do so. And I'm fairly certain I take little to no notice at the ceiling in other folks' houses. During the next several days, my husband would come home and spend at least an hour with my vacuum cleaner sucking up ladybugs from wherever he could find them. Of course, there was something else I would've rather him be doing with my vacuum cleaner . . . you know, like vacuum the floor! . . . but I wasn't going to complain. I don't have the kind of time on my hands to go around chasing ladybugs.

But the ladybugs in the family room, he couldn't get to. And it began to bother him. I mean, R E A L L Y bother him. I know there were lots up there . . . probably 100 or more if we were to count them. But, again, they weren't bothering me. I figured I'd be ready to sweep them up once they died and fell to the floor.

In the meantime, Seth sprayed all of our exterior doors (have I mentioned that there are NINE of them?!?) with wasp spray! So dead ladybugs began to litter our porches. That didn't bother me so much either. What I didn't know was that he also got a little too happy with some left-over silicon. When I went to hang my Christmas wreaths, I couldn't get one of the doors in Hannah Kate's room open. It's the door that always sticks a bit so I just pushed a little extra hard. Well, maybe a lot extra hard with all of my weight. When it still didn't budge, I went outside to see what the problem was, and that's when I saw it. Not only was the door siliconed shut, but it had been siliconed to the rubber seal around the door! And not only that, but I had near about ripped the rubber seal off the door with all of my pushing and shoving. Let's just say it's probably a very good thing that Seth wasn't in town that particular evening. I did tell him how I felt when he called that night though. Honestly, I was more concerned about not being able to open the door to hang my wreath than anything else! In case you're wondering, the door is fixed now, and my wreath was hung.

Anyway, we finally got some cold weather, and the ladybugs left . . . except the hundred or so in the family room. A couple of weeks ago, I had to run some errands. Seth got home before I did. And when I got home, this is what I saw:
Yes, you are correct. Your eyes are not deceiving you. But just in case you're wondering, that would be two PVC pipes connected to the shop vac.

Later that same evening . . . I promise I'm not making this up, yall! . . .

I was in the office working on a project. The kids were in bed, and Seth was in the family room watching TV. His routine is the same every night. He likes to leave the flood lights on the back of the house on so he can see the rodents approaching in our back yard. Several armadillos have met their demise lately, and we also have a skunk. Or had a skunk. He was a rather big one and brave at that. During the summer time, he'd always come up to the back porch at 1:00pm everyday. I took a picture of him through the window one day so I could show Seth.Anyway, we hadn't seen him lately. But Seth came in the office and asked me what I thought about him shooting a skunk. I immediately told him it was a BAD idea. I mean, the skunk wasn't bothering anyone. Besides, I was more concerned about the SMELL than anything else. But Seth assured me that he'd shoot him in the head and all would be fine. So do yall know what he did?!? He opened the window in the half bathroom and shot the skunk through the window! And then he went outside to "dispose" of the body. So do you want to guess what my house smelled like that night and the next day?!? It. Was. Horrible. And that, my friends, is an understatement.

To top it all off . . . Seth leaves the next day and called me the next night from his hotel room. And do you know what he asked me? He asked me if I'd been watching Billy the Exterminator. Well, of course not. I had no idea the show was even on. And then he proceeds to tell me that Billy had to go to someone's house on the show that night to catch a skunk! Again, I promise I'm not making this up. When I ask how he did it, Seth said he used grape jelly and a trap. I'm thinking about putting some grape jelly in Seth's stocking!

But, really, the funniest thing to me about this whole thing . . . is that just this time a year ago, I BOUGHT . . . PAID FOR . . . PURCHASED . . . WITH OUR MONEY . . . ladybugs on-line for a certain little someone's ladybug-themed birthday party!!!

1 comment:

Nan Calcagno said...

Julie, I just love your stories. They are so hilarous. Keep them coming. Maybe you need to make Seth the Exterminator cards for him. Haha