On Thursday, September 9, I stood in the middle of the driveway and watched the tail lights of the red truck drive away without me. Mason drove to school for the first time by himself and has been doing so ever since. He isn't technically "by himself" because Hannah Kate is with him. But I still consider it "by himself" since neither Seth nor I are with him.
I can remember wondering that day if it would ever get any better . . . if I would ever get to the point where my heart wasn't in my throat every single time he drives away, every single time I'm waiting on him to get home . . . if my thoughts would ever settle and stop being consumed with concern until Mason was safely home . . . will I ever NOT wonder and worry when he's not at home? Not to mention he's only the first one, and I still have two more to go!
It seemed like it rained everyday the first month of him driving. I was so tempted to take the keys and carpool again. If it wasn't raining, it was so foggy that they even delayed the start of school ten minutes for several days to allow the students enough time to safely arrive. And then, before the time changed, he was leaving and driving in the pitch black dark. I finally came to the conclusion that if I took the keys every time it was raining, foggy or dark, he would never drive. And it seems like that defeats the whole purpose of this growing up and letting go thing.
But now that we're two and a half months into this thing, I can honestly say that there are some things that DO get better. I'm still very aware of when he leaves and when he should arrive. But once I know he's where he's supposed to be (thanks, life 360!), I don't think about it anymore until it's time for him to leave again.
It's something when you're driving down the road, and you meet your child driving in the opposite direction. That has happened three times. I can't even tell you how we got here. It seems like it all happened so fast. But, then again, it seems like it's been all and more of his 16 years.
I've counted down to a lot of things in his life, not the least of which is him becoming an independent driver (well, for the most part . . . especially considering the fact that he's currently only allowed to drive to school and back by himself, and that's it!). I guess the next milestone will be senior pictures and graduation and his 18th birthday. We are less than two years away from all of those things, and yet I feel like we're still so far away in some regards.
There's always this tension in mothering. It's full of so much joy and yet some sadness at the same time. I've had to learn how to be joyful in these small moments that are ultimately leading up to some bigger moments that will take him even farther away from the canopy and covering of home. I've had to learn how to enjoy the teenage years I've always dreaded and not mourn for the younger years I miss. I've had to learn what to do with myself now that he doesn't need me so much anymore. I've had to learn how much to let go and when.
But, ultimately, I'm still learning how to trust. I'm still learning how to trust the Lord and His plan for Mason. The truth is that He loves Mason more than I do. And, no matter what comes, I can trust Him to guide us and sustain us. The mistakes I've made, and continue to make, are many. But God's grace is sufficient. Besides, it's not up to me anyway. The only thing I'm responsible for is my obedience to Him. And He takes care of all the rest. It has not always looked like what I thought it would. As a matter of fact, very little of it looks like what I thought it would. But the one thing that's been certain and always will be is that the Lord can be trusted. And I either trust Him or I do not. Let's just say my knees have never been dirtier!
