No, I am not wearing heels. Yes, at the tender age of 13, he is taller than me. Now that we have that out of the way . . .
I've decided that I have the best kids in the whole, wide world! And you know what? You do, too! These are the ones the Lord ordained for me . . . because He knew exactly the children I needed, and He knew the children who needed me. Same for you!
If I were to sum up motherhood in one word, I'd probably say inadequate. Because that's how I feel most of the time. Not enough . . . I spend so much time dwelling, worrying that I'm not teaching them enough, not praying with them enough, not helping them pursue their interests or talents enough (like the kids who have their own businesses or can bake a cake from scratch without a recipe or paint like Picasso or grow their own gardens or play the violin and I could go on and on and on), not spending enough time with them (I mean, craziness!), not enough, not enough, not enough. But my goodness! I finally realized I don't want to be enough . . . because they need all the room for Jesus they can get! Mason and I were talking the other day about how you really can't understand the meaning of life or your purpose in life without knowing the Lord (and before you begin to be impressed by this conversation, you should know it happened only because of a paper he is working on for his final in humanities!). The empty places and spaces can only be filled and fulfilled by Him. Not only do they need Jesus, but I do, too! It's all of the "not enough's" that drive me on my knees to Him, that remind me daily the desperate need I have for Him.
I have to remind myself over and over that He loves them more than I do! He has a plan for each of their lives, and it is a GOOD plan! Next Thursday night will mark another milestone, a new era for us. Mason will be in 9th grade. High school. Four more years. I've no doubt they will be the longest, shortest four years! I have to admit the LAST thing I wanted to do tonight was proofread a paper and review Algebra for a final. I just really don't think I'll miss those things. At all. Maybe I will, but I doubt it. In the meantime, I have four more years of it with Mason, and I don't expect those four more years in regards to school to be any kind of easy at all. But just because it's hard doesn't mean I can't enjoy it. Or find joy in it. So I'm going to keep proofing papers and grading Algebra because that's time spent at the table with my boy, and that time is precious. It's fleeting. And I want to make it all count.
A couple of months ago we had a pretty hard, long stretch. I was tired. So tired. Seth was out of town. It was a Wednesday so it had been such a busy day since about 5:00AM. It was mid-afternoon, and all I wanted to do was lay down and take a nap. But supper needed to be cooked so I could take Hannah Kate to her 2-hour dance class. It would be a late night. And all I could think about was laying down. After Ellie and I finished her read aloud, I just sat on the sofa for a few minutes. I felt guilty about sitting down because there was unfolded laundry on the bed, another load that needed to be washed, Algebra that needed to be graded, supper that needed to be cooked. So many things to do, and I was just sitting there! I wasn't even "spending time with my children." Do you see where I'm going with this? Just a whole pile of guilt and not enough heaping on!
And then I heard something. Mason and Hannah Kate are in the habit of closing themselves off in their rooms to study or do school work every afternoon. This isn't Ellie's favorite time of day because she does not like spending time "alone." She never has played well independently. And sometimes I just can't because of all the other things. So this year she has just had to learn what to do with herself for an hour or two sometimes. She is so proud of herself for learning how to read this year, and she has begun going through every single book on the bookshelf, reading each one to her audience of baby dolls. On this particular day, she chose a book that my mom gave me when Mason was born. I'm sure you know it. I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. Can I just be honest? That book is so sad to me, and I can hardly read it! I mean, it's true and all. I tell Mason all the time that it doesn't matter how much taller than me he grows. He'll always be my baby boy.
So there I was feeling all kinds of "mom guilt." And Ellie is reading that book to her babies. In that moment, I could hear the Lord's gentle whisper . . . you're enough because I'm enough. I had to be careful that Ellie didn't see me because she would've stopped reading.